How to Communicate With Your Co-Parent: Tips for New Moms
As a new mom, you may feel like your life is suddenly filled with people you barely know and can't trust: Your partner probably has a completely different perspective on what's happening right now. Your parents, who live far away, are offering you advice on raising your child that sounds outdated and irrelevant. And this new person in your life - the co-parent of your child - is someone you've only met a few times but aren't really close to. How do you build a trusting relationship when all the usual support systems have vanished?
Perhaps the most crucial aspect of any relationship, especially one when there are so many new things to learn, is communication. To comprehend one another's viewpoints and requirements, you and your co-parent must be able to speak properly. In order to strengthen your communication with each other, here are some tips to keep in mind:
Be honest and clear from the start
It's easy to get caught up in the emotions of a new relationship and unintentionally mislead your co-parent about what you need from the relationship and what you expect from them. If you aren't clear from the beginning about your expectations and your desires for the situation, it can make things a lot more complicated down the road.
For example, if you want to move to a shared custody arrangement, but your co-parent is hoping to have the child full-time, you may be inadvertently setting up disappointment. Starting the conversation with a clear tone can be achieved by asking oneself a few important questions. What do you hope to get out of this relationship? What are your expectations of the co-parent? What are your boundaries? You want to be honest but also mindful that some of your feelings may be influenced by hormones or sleep deprivation.
Check in with each other regularly
You may feel like the communication has been "done" and that everything is set in stone. However, as time passes, boundaries can change, needs can change, and perspectives may shift. For example, if you first agree to have your co-parent visit on weekends, but then a new job or school schedule changes things, you need to be able to communicate about that without it becoming a conflict.
Communicate in writing whenever possible
Whenever possible, communicate with your co-parent in writing (e-mail is especially helpful for long-distance relationships). Ask questions, listen to the other person's perspective, and take notes if necessary. Stay curious, and don't let the conversation turn into an argument. Stay calm and relaxed. When you're done talking, walk away feeling like you've accomplished something.
This helps you get everything out on the table without being too confrontational. Plus, if there is ever a disagreement, you'll have a written record of what was said, and by whom, so you don't need to rely on faulty memories.
Take time to build trust
As you initiate communication with your co-parent, you want to do so with the understanding that it will take time to build a trusting relationship. With shared custody, you don't have the advantage of living with each other to build a relationship. You have to do it completely at a distance. Trust is something that is earned. It doesn't come instantly, but with time and consistent, reliable communication, you should be able to build a trustworthy relationship.
For example, if you and your co-parent are using a co-parenting app like Custody Bot, you can see when the other person is online and send a quick message saying hi or asking a question. You can also give your co-parent opportunities to prove that they're trustworthy by asking them to do small things for you or letting them know how you appreciate their efforts.
Communicate your ideas and needs without blame
Communicating your ideas or needs to your co-parent doesn't mean you're "blaming" them for any perceived shortcomings in the relationship. You're simply stating your needs and desires so they know what they're working with and can make adjustments if necessary.
For example, if the communication between you and your co-parent is primarily via text, you may feel like you can't ask them to stop sending you photos of their child, even though those photos make you uncomfortable. However, if you start by saying, "I feel uncomfortable when you send photos of (your child's name) to me, can you please stop?", you give your co-parent the opportunity to make the adjustment themselves without feeling attacked.
Let go of the small stuff
It's normal for there to be some significant areas of disagreement between you and your co-parent. Other things will be small things that will drive you crazy, like who is responsible for filling out the child support forms. However, you want to let go of the small stuff. You can't let the small, inconsequential things that you and your co-parent disagree over turn into a source of tension that could harm your child. Let go of the small stuff and focus on the big issues.
Set boundaries and stick to them
Defining your boundaries is an important part of communication and trust. You want to communicate your boundaries to your co-parent, of course, but you also have to be willing to stick to them. That means if you say you don't want to be texted ten times a day, you have to let them know when they cross the line and stop doing it.
Take care of yourself
You are the person who has to deal with all the stress of raising a child alone. You have the added pressure of maintaining a relationship with your co-parent. If you don't take time for yourself, you're going to burn out, and your relationship will suffer as a result. Find ways to relax and recharge that work for you. You might need some alone time, or you might need to be around other people. No matter what, don't forget to take care of yourself.
Always prioritize your children
Building a trusting relationship with your co-parent is important, but it will all be for nothing if your children don't feel loved, supported, and safe. Your children need you to provide them with a consistent and stable environment. Communication is important, but you don't want to let it overshadow your children's needs. If you and your ex have a good relationship, and your kids are old enough to understand the concept of co-parenting, it's a good idea to let them in on the special time you spend with each other.
Letting your children know that you have a special "date" with your partner will not only make them feel special, but it will also help them to understand that their parents have needs, just like they do. Be sure to prioritize your relationship with your children, and don't let your co-parent get in the way of that.
Conclusion
Many new mothers don't have the support system they had before they became pregnant: Their partners and their families are likely struggling with their own transitions. That's why communication is so important. It's the only way to know how your co-parent is doing and how you can help them. That's also why it's important to maintain your own relationships with friends and family who can support you and your child during this time.
Communicate with them, too, so that everyone has a full picture of what's happening in your life. You can start talking to your co-parent now that you are aware of how crucial it is to do so. Start by getting a sense of their emotions, expectations, and needs before moving on to your own. You can then make use of these suggestions to ensure that your communication is strong and efficient! Visit Womenwire.com to discover more tips and advice on how to be the best mom you can be.
